So I’d been having kind of a rough past couple of days. I was feeling super low energy, didn’t really wanna be around anyone, was not enjoying work at all, I just all around wasn’t feeling my usual peppy self. It’s hard for me to pinpoint most of the time where my sadness, I wouldn’t call it depression, but just a general down demeanor comes from. I didn’t understand what was causing me to feel upset, and most of the time I never find out but I know now in my life what I need for myself in order to turn things around. It’s an amazing feeling to know yourself and know your needs, and yet it is a whole different challenge to learn how to make those things happen dare I say even be a little selfish?
I know I tend to give a lot of myself to those around me that I love and care about. Those number of people has grown quite a bit and so I can understand when I’m running low and I also have found ways to say no when I need my time. It’s not always easy to find time, I know for me being young with no husband and no kids and a fairly flexible work schedule I should have no problem. But I remind you I truly do love being around good people and being active and busy, so sometimes even for me time is hard to set aside. However it is I truly wholeheartedly believe it is not only beneficial but necessary to living in this crazy world. Read a book, take a walk, strum a guitar, exercise, sit outside on a sunny day, the skies the limit but find what truly makes you happy. And also find that happiness alone.
Most people fear the idea of being alone. And no I’m not talking about literally being alone all the time or not having a spouse or what have you. I’m just talking about spending time to yourself and really enjoying it and also regaining the strength and the happiness inside yourself to continue on.
Anyways, today was my ultimate. I worked all weekend and today was my 5th straight day. Needless to say I’m exhausted but my insomnia strikes again of course when it’s not welcome. I went out dancing with my sister last night, somewhat reluctantly because of how tired I was knowing I had to work today. But I went regardless, ran into (I’m not sure I should say my boyfriend quite yet as we’ve yet to make anything official so ill refer to him as my manfriend) anyways I ran into his neighbors, who are just great people and had a good time. Danced my booty off, which is one of the many things that I love that I know is good for me and that restores my good feelings. Had a drink, ate some late night bfast (again a bit reluctantly) and came home to bed. Needless to say I was a bit tired this morning but I put my big girl pants on and made today my bottom bitch. I had breakfast with my mom, which we’ve been having to put off for weeks and was a last minute surprise today. Shopped around a bit, didn’t buy anything of course because being a waitress isn’t always diamonds and Rolexes! Came home to find my neighbors adorable dog Jack in the yard, so we sat outside and laid in the sunny grass for nearly an hour. Got up from that and decided to grab my paycheck from work. When I say paycheck it’s not. I’m a waitress and a damn good one if I say so myself, I live off of tips. My paycheck for two weeks was 50$, and that’s a good two weeks. Please if your going to eat out and you get satisfactory service, which I always strive to give spectacular service, then please tip accordingly, thanks. Sorry had to get that out there. Anyways headed to the bank with some tips from the past couple days, always feels good to see that bank balance go up even a little. After cruising around in the beautiful sunshine bumping some awesome tunes, I sent my coworker a text to let her know I might be a few minutes late, being her hilarious self she says, “oh I thought you were texting to me ask if we wanted Starbucks, which we do.” I thought it sounded like a great idea, reminder I only got about 5 hours sleep last night and had already had a pretty full day. And I was so happy to be able to brighten my coworkers days just a little. I told her of course as long as I could be 15 minutes late, well cause it was all coming up rainbows I think even after having to stop by home for a hair clip I was barely 5 minutes late. Ha! And I had a great night at work, even though it was my Friday and I was tired when I got there. I was having such a great day I wasn’t gonna let it end there. I genuinely wanted to be at work and was enjoying being around my customers and sharing with them. It was just busy enough to make a little money and for time to go buy but not enough to kill a girl on her 5th straight day. Headed home around 9 and decided I was gonna take a hot bath and head to bed. So yea, about that, after two and a half episodes of Parks and Recreation. If you don’t already know get informed I just started watching this show a few weeks ago and it’s an instant fav, I’ve seriously been missing out. My body is exhausted and I want to sleep so bad so I turn off the Netflix on my phone and try to fall asleep. Now you must by now know what happened, insomnia. It’s 1:46am and I’m up browsing Pinterest and writing a novel on my blog. Absolute madness seeing as I’m getting back to my love, the tennis courts, tomorrow morning at 9:30am. Which by the way I am thrilled about. I miss tennis almost as much as I’m missing ice cream and Slurpees right now.
Sometimes my brain won’t shut down, tonight is one of those times. However they usually are my most creative and insightful times too. Strange how that works. I think laying here for the past few hours thinking about all the things going on in my life I think that bad feeling was some fear going on. My bad days were one because I needed to power down and get my life caught back up again and two because I’m still afraid of getting close to someone again.
Rushing, stressing, forcing, worrying these are all words I have tried to all but eliminate from my vocabulary. They are negative and only create problems and stress. So I caught myself back up again. I came home Saturday night after work and decided it was time to spend some alone time for a few days. However I also made sure to see some of the dearest people to my heart. I saw my very best friend in the whole world on Sunday. Got my oil changed and had lunch with my dad on Monday. Tuesday was surprised by a dear friend and her mom at work. Saw my sister last night. And had breakfast with my mom today. It was only for an hour here and there but it was exactly what my heart needed. Familia. And the rest of the time I was alone, besides when I had to drag my ass to work. I picked up my house, did laundry, paid bills, just basically did those necessary evils that truly do make you feel better when they are done. I worked hard on me for a little while and today came up roses. I feel replenished and recharged and back to, dare I even say better than my normal self :D fantastic.
Part of life is learning how to live it. It’s not an easy thing to figure, but once you have laid the ground work and have a basic understanding of the things you need and want for yourself and for your happiness I assure you it makes life a lot easier and a lot brighter. Let go, let be and live. My mom asked me today how I’ve been able to reduce my stress and really believe that everything in my life will turn out okay if I work hard and do my best to live a life I can be proud of. My answer was the car accident. You hear it a lot and it can seem cliche at times but you truly don’t know the feeling until you walk away from a situation saying I shouldn’t be alive. I am blessed beyond words that I am still here today, and it’s not something I dwell on a lot but from time to time I remind myself of the 16th of October last year when it could have been my last day.
I want to live each and every day of my life as best I can making myself and others around me as happy as humanly possible. I want to shine and be one of the those people that just attracts magic and possibilities. I feel like I have the potential to help and inspire, I’m just still trying to find a way to truly do that. Please try and carve out some time for yourself today. Even if its just 20 minutes of quiet time, trust me it will help ease the mindless rat race that our lives can so easily become. Enjoy yourself a little and be happy to be alive <3